Parenting would be a lot easier if every child came with a customized handbook that outlined by year the specifics for that particular child. But kids don’t come with a handbook and parenting is not easy. For the parents of a student athlete, the challenges are numerous and differ from families who are not involved in competitive and/or elite athletics.
Parental Influence and the Athlete
From infancy, children learn from watching, listening and by mimicking others. Parents are the biggest influences in a child’s life and typically are the first to introduce the child to games and sports. When kids are young, usually under the age of 10, it’s the parents who choose the activities and sports for the child. Generally, a parent will pick the sport that they played as a youth. There’s nothing wrong with encouraging your children to be active and enjoy the benefits of a team sport. However, parental involvement and behavior directly influence the child’s athletic experience through the years.
“Just play. Have fun. Enjoy the game.” — Michael Jordan
When your child is young the focus primarily is on fun. Many youth recreational programs for children ages six and under don’t even keep score. Programs promote fun, the development of sportsmanship and learning the basic fundamentals of the sport. However, as the child grows and moves up through the arena of youth athletics, there is a shift in what drives the athlete. During those important growing years the influence of the sports parent is critical.
The character of the sports parent directly influences their child athlete. Through personal beliefs, prejudices and distinctive personality traits parents teach their children values providing both indirect and direct influence on the child’s attitude, work ethic and passion for the game.
Even at elite levels of competition, young athletes should still experience some form of enjoyment from playing their chosen sport. Parental influence should never take the fun from the game.
Be a parent, not a stereotype.
There are as many “types” of sports parents as there are young athletes. Not all are negative, but usually it’s those stereotypical bad behavior types that receive the most attention. Below is a list of basic sports parent characteristics.
- Negative
- Outspoken
- Competitive
- Critical
- Invisible
- Braggart
- Supportive
How a parent behaves on the sidelines, during the game and in the car after a game has a significant impact on a youth athlete’s mental and emotional state. Parental behavior can influence greatly the athlete’s attitude, performance and passion for the game.
Avoid being the parent who spends the entire game screaming at their child, the referees, the coaches and even the other children on the field. Offer compliments not outspoken critiques of the other players — never attempt to build up your own child by tearing down another child. If your athlete is missing practice or skipping workouts, acknowledge that these may be the reasons he sees limited game time.
Nonverbal behavior often speaks louder than verbal.
Kids are smart. Often what you don’t say speaks louder to them than what you do say. A scowl when they miss block or the shake of a head after striking out does not go unnoticed. Parental support during the hard times is essential to the development of a young athlete. They need to know you have their back even after a big game’s loss.
The cumulative effect of the sports parent’s negative behavior results in talented athletes choosing to walk away from their sport. Encourage realistic goals, offer support not condemnation and never compare the successes or failures to their siblings and peers. The best way to influence positively your student athlete is to accept the child’s individuality and always to remember the game is fun.
“Somewhere behind the athlete you’ve become and the hours of practice and the coaches who have pushed you is a little girl who fell in love with the game and never looked back … play for her.” — Mia Hamm
Can Unconditional Love Hurt the Athlete?
Unconditional love simply means loving without placing any restrictions or conditions on that love. Most parents would agree that their love for their child is unconditional. Even when your child exhibits the most aggravating, insolent and disrespectful behavior, you don’t stop loving that child. You may feel strong emotions but the deep-rooted love a parent has for a child isn’t broken because the child throws a tantrum, breaks curfew or says something hurtful to a sibling.
There is ample support from behavioral experts that suggests unconditional love and acceptance from a parent can be beneficial for the overall emotional and mental development of a child. Youth athletes with strong emotional and mental well-being often can perform at a higher level than their peers who struggle with internal problems and lack of confidence.
Dr. Edward L. Deci, a leading American expert on the psychology of motivation along with other experts in the field, conducted studies regarding unconditional acceptance by parents (and teachers.) Dr. Deci and his colleagues determined unconditional acceptance requires “autonomy support” for it to be most effective.
Autonomy support commonly is used by classroom teachers as a way to help identify and develop what motivates their students from within. Methods include:
- Considering the child’s point of view
- Explaining reasons behind requests and decisions
- Providing opportunity for the child to be a part of the decision process
- Encouraging without conditions or manipulations
These methods also can benefit parents raising a young athlete. Sports parents who are “all in” can end up doing more harm than good for their youth athlete. When a parent allows their unconditional love to blind themselves from realities regarding their child’s abilities, attitude, work ethic, sportsmanship and passion for the game, problems on and off the field can occur.
Hearing from a coach that your child has a bad attitude or routinely displays poor sportsmanship is difficult for a parent. No parent wants to hear negative things about their child, but sports parenting requires an open ear and listening calmly to coach when feedback and notes are presented.
It’s extremely important for the development of young people, whether athletes, artists or academics, that parents have their priorities in order. It’s not about how many trophies are won or who is awarded the most prestigious scholarship. It’s about the development of character. Parents spend a lot of money, time and effort providing the very best athletic opportunities for their kids. The question is, why?
“I love my child,” you state vehemently. “I only want the best for my child.”
Loving your child unconditionally and wanting only the best is not wrong. However, it can lead to a loss of balance and perspective.
Parenting and in particular parenting a youth athlete, requires finding the right balance between unconditional love and autonomy support. Resist the urge to allow your love of a sport to overshadow your child’s love of playing the game. Listen to constructive criticism from coaches and encourage sportsmanship above all else. Focus on validation, encouragement, perspective and balance.
When the Dream is Dashed: Handling a Cut from the Team
It’s so much easier on the parent when your child is young and all the kids make the team and everybody has equal playing time. Time passes, children grow and athletics become competitive. For many young athletes they will face a day when their name does not make the roster list. Unlike a disappointing grade from a difficult test that can be raised before the end of the term, a cut from a team is definitive. It’s up to parents to help their young athlete learn from this experience.
Your child worked hard practicing and tried her best during tryouts but still she didn’t make it on the traveling team’s roster. Kids that try out for elite teams, club teams and competitive Varsity teams must face the reality that there are a limited number of spots available and the competition often is fierce.
Parents must also face this reality and resist the urge to overreact when their child does not make the team. Lashing out at the coach or trash talking the players that did make the team will not help your child and may harm your athlete’s chances of earning a place on the team in the future. It’s also important not to down-play your child’s feelings. Acknowledge that the tryout was important to him and resist clichés such as “You’ll do better next time.”
When your child is cut from the team do:
- Offer unconditional love, support and empathy
- Actively listen, allowing the child to vent
- Develop a Plan B
If your child is still interested in the sport and wants to try again next season, encourage her to speak with the coach and ask which skill areas need improvement. Develop a back-up plan to enable the young athlete to continue training despite not being named to the elite team roster. This is especially important for younger athlete’s who may need an extra year of training and development before they are ready to compete at a higher level.
Chicago White Sox pitcher Mark Buerle was cut from the team in high school, two years in a row. Buerle remembers,
“I was so small, I wasn’t even going to go back out for my junior year. But my mom and dad sat me down and said, ‘we didn’t raise a quitter — you’re not going back out.’ I made the team and everything happened from there.”
The positive influence, unconditional love and support from parents can make a life-changing impact for the athlete that is cut from the team. Parents must continue to encourage their athlete and remind him that it’s still a game and there should always be some level of fun.
Gregory V Moss 2014 Amazon.com (Secrets Every Parent Should Know About Kids Playing Sports)
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